Oh gosh, guys, do I have some big news for you! I’m actually a little bit afraid to tell you for fear that you’ll run away screaming and never read my blog again, but it is going to come out sooner or later, so I might as well bite the
brain bullet and spill the blood beans. Here goes…
Babyface and I…well…we are zombies.
The Living Dead. Walkers. Flesh-Eating Skull Suckers. And proud of it!
I know what you are thinking, “But Cassie, zombies are mindless creatures without any reason, control or sense. And they certainly don’t write blogs!”
And to that I say, “LIES! LIES! LIES!”
The truth is, a lot of us Living Impaired (as we prefer to be called) are perfectly normal, contributing members of society. I know it can be hard to believe, especially when jerks like the CDC are telling you how terrible we are, but the truth is, we’re just like you. We cook, we watch TV, we exercise, we do the laundry. We just happen to do all of these things while craving human flesh and tending to our oozing sores. We were people too, ya know?
The propaganda out there would like you to believe we are stumbling around this Earth moaning, “BRRRAAAIIIIINNNNSSS!” when in all actuality, most of us prefer to cook a nice medium-rare frontal lobe at home in the comfort of our own kitchen. Serve it with a side of oven-roasted phalanges and a nice glass of warm O-neg and you’ve got yourself one heck of a nice evening as far as we’re concerned.
I know it is risky to come out, but I think it is high time that us Living Impaired are accepted and respected as members of this community. You should really try to get to know our kind. We probably won’t even eat you! Just as long as you remember to use your turn signal and not talk loudly on your cell phone in a public place. Annoying people taste like sweet, sweet vengeance.
To prove to you that I really want to be accepted, I’ve come bearing a gift in recipe form: brains and barley stew. I can read your mind now and you are thinking “EWWW. Barley? Gross!” But I promise barley is delicious! A little bit chewy and totally hearty, it helps make this stew a perfect candidate for eating on a cold All Hallow’s Eve while
sauteing serving up trick-or-treaters.
When choosing your human flesh to use in the stew, make sure to only choose fresh, sustainably-raised human. Avoid human factory farms! Eat humans that lived a good life. Some of the best human flesh is shipped from the Upper East Side of NYC and Beverly Hills. Expensive, but worth the price for a special dinner with a special someone. It’s amazing how tender and flavorful human is when they’ve been fed a champagne and caviar diet exclusively. Devine!
The name of this stew suggests a brain-heavy dish, but you can use whatever human meat you have lying around the house. Small children thigh and calf meat is always a great choice and, I guess if you are an antipeopletarian, you could always sub in beef stew meat (just don’t tell me you did). If you want a real boost of flavor, make your own human stock by boiling a few femurs, some hands and an eyeball or two with onions, carrots, celery and water. It really turns this dish into something
life death changing.
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Brains and Barley Stew
Makes 8 Servings
While most of this dish is made using pantry staples, finding the barley can be a bit of a challenge. Check out your local co-op or health food store’s bulk bins and look for pearl barley (not barley flakes). While you are there, pick up some coastal temporal lobe, its flavor works as a great compliment to the wine stock.
- 2 tablespoons olive oil, divided
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 pounds human flesh (brains, skin and meat), cut into 1/2″ pieces OR 2 pounds beef stew meat, cut into 1/2″ pieces
- 1 large onion, diced
- 4 large carrots, sliced into thick rounds
- 4 large stalks celery, diced
- 2 garlic cloves, minced
- 12 ounces button mushrooms, sliced
- 1-14 1/2 ounce can stewed tomatoes
- 1 cup dry red wine
- 4 cups beef (or human) broth
- 2 bay leaves
- 3/4 teaspoon dried thyme
- Salt and pepper, to taste
- 1 cup uncooked medium pearl barley
- In a large soup pot or dutch oven, heat one tablespoon of olive oil over medium-high heat until hot.
- While pot is heating, toss meat with flour and shake off extra. Add to pot and sear on all sides until just brown. Remove and set aside.
- Add remaining tablespoon of olive oil to pot and heat. Add in onion, carrots, celery and garlic and cook until just softened, about 8 minutes.
- Add in mushrooms, stewed tomatoes, red wine, broth, bay, thyme, salt and pepper. Scrape bottom of pot to release all the deliciousness left from searing the meat. Add back in the meat.
- Bring to a boil, add in barley. Reduce heat, cover and simmer, for about 45-60 minutes or until barley is cooked and meat is tender. Remove bay leaves before serving.
I hope you all will still accept me after my big revelation. I’m still the same girl. Just paler and with a few more flesh wounds. Maybe one day, I’ll even get you to try out some of my peopletarian dishes! I promise they aren’t as scary as they seem. Oh, and if you are interested in furthering the acceptance of the Living Impaired, I working on creating the flagship chapter of the Alliance for Walking Dead Acceptance. We’re going to be huge. HUGE, I tell ya!
Will you still be my friend? I promise not to eat you.