I’ve had a few people request that I do an open-ended “ask me anything” series on Wholefully. So, here it is! You’ll see me answering a reader question each week. Submit your questions by e-mailing me or commenting on this post. If you want to be identified in my answer, include your name and website (if applicable).
Literally, ask me anything. I’ll answer anything!*
*Okay, maybe not anything, but almost anything.
You can see previous AMA responses here.
Let’s continue with the Story of Bebop and Rocksteady. You can read the first part here.
I was confused.
That’s why I was struggling so much with sleeping during our first few days of talking. On one hand, I was totally enamored and intrigued by this young man. He challenged me, made laugh, pissed me off, and made me feel perfect all at the same time.
We talked for hours and hours and hours daily. Sure there was a lot of flirting (after all, he is painfully adorable), but we also had serious discussions about anything and everything. He became my closest friend, I confided everything in him. He was always there for me, in a time when I so desperately needed that. (Later, when people questioned how we could possibly be engaged after spending so little time together, I said, “I talk to him more in a day than you probably talk to your partner in a month,” they would then shut up pretty quick.)
What was really refreshing was that I could be totally honest with him. And he just kept talking, and pondering. He never got defensive. We just talked. About our separate futures. There was no drama. No leveling. Nothing. It was just so nice to talk to someone and to listen to someone.
On the other hand, he was the complete opposite of what I mentally wanted in a partner. If you met the Babyface now, you’d hardly believe it, but he was a bit of a scrub back in the day. He was 22, living in his parents’ basement, a college drop-out, jobless, a binge drinker and without any really plans to change any of this. He didn’t have a driver’s license (and said he never wanted to get one) and he said early on in our relationship that he never wanted to get married. From a first impression, he appeared to be everything I so desperately wanted to leave behind from college. And nothing I wanted to move forward with.
Now, I’m so glad that I ignored my first impression, but then I wasn’t so sure.
I had a picture in my head. Being Midwestern, there are certain old-fashioned gender roles ingrained in my DNA. Sure, I could change my own tire, but I wanted to be in a relationship where I never had to. I wanted my door held open, to be driven and to be taken out to dinners. I’m not trying to set feminism back 100 years, I just enjoy being nurtured in a fairly stereotypical couple dynamic. What can I say? I am what I am. Or at least was what I was.
Needless to say, it was obvious I wasn’t going to get any of those kind of things from Babyface.
So why did I stay interested?
Within the first few days, it was easy to tell that he was more intelligent than anyone I’d ever dated and certainly more intelligent than me. I found myself constantly livid that this charming, funny, and smart boy was wasting away his potential in a basement with a case of beer. I could tell this “life” (if you can call it that) wasn’t true to who he was or wanted to be. We’ve since had a lot of discussions about how he got to that place, and have a few theories that are unimportant to this story.
I kept questioning why I cared. Why should I care about the fate of this more-or-less stranger from another country? I should just move on. I didn’t want a “project” and didn’t believe in changing people to fit my idea of them. In the end, what happened was we both changed each other. We were both one another’s charity chase.
If I’m being totally honest, I didn’t want this. It was way complicated for my already complicated and unfufilling life. Pardon my French, but I definitely had an “Oh shit. I’m falling in love with this guy that is totally wrong for me,” moment. And it was within the first week of talking to him.
About a week after Babyface first commented on my blog, he went on a trip with his friends for a few days. He was totally out of contact. No phone, no email, no nothing. To make it particularly painful, one of the attendees was a female friend of his that had recently professed her love for him. He didn’t reciprocate, but still the thought of her being there turned me a disgusting shade of green. I’d never really been the jealous type before, but even though I’d only just met Babyface, I found myself so painfully jealous of this girl. Mostly of the ease at which she got to be around Babyface. I so desperately wanted to meet this man and beyond that, just be around him, see him, experience him…and she got to do that, even if it wasn’t in a romantic way.
While he was gone on that trip, I was busy falling in love.
I knew I was in love early, and I think even part of me knew he was it/the one/life-changer (even though I didn’t tell him any of this until almost 2 months later). Ever heard the phrase “the heart wants want the heart wants”? Well, my heart wanted this Canadian boy who was totally wrong for me.
And now that I came to that realization, it was time to figure out how to make it work.
…to be continued.